Friendship
By Mike Rule

I was recently involved with someone who has had some deep struggles regarding the importance of friendships. The following comments are this person's thoughts and conclusions based upon what she had been taught throughout her Christian life.

Thought: "Friends are important. We must have friends. The best way to have a friend is to be a friend. This leads to fear because I don't have a great desire for friends. Where does that leave me?" Conclusion #1: "I must be unfriendly and boring because I don't desire friends."

Thought: "It is not a sign of spiritual maturity to not need people and have few friends. Christianity is not a religion of 'lone rangers.' No man is an island. Independence is not necessarily good and self-sufficiency is an enemy." Conclusion #2: "I must not be spiritual because I don't have many friends."

Thought: "We are often challenged by being asked, 'How big is your circle of influence? People are all you can take to heaven. If you are not investing in relationships, you are wasting your time.'" Conclusion #3: "I must have no value to God because relationships are not a priority for me."

As God worked this out, He gave this person one simple passage: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Then He revealed that she was simply treating others the way she wanted to be treated -- she was giving them space.

Not long ago, I was sharing this at a conference when a fellow came up to me afterwards and asked, "How did you know that I have felt that way for most of my Christian life?" Seventy to eighty percent of people are created with these same basic personality traits and are dealing with this same underlying condemnation and guilt. It's not that they have an aversion to friendships, but rather they are created to invest themselves deeply in a very small number of people. Others whom God has created with different personalities have inadvertently set the standard and often judge people for not having a large number of friends. It is dangerous to let characteristics of a God-given personality become the standard for someone else's spirituality because most often we are judging things wrongly and pushing people into further defeat and discouragement. It is more important that we love one another as He has loved us and that we encourage one another to love and good deeds. (John 13:34 & Hebrews 10:24) As we encourage each other and build each other up in the faith, God will express Himself through each one in the way He chooses. "So don't condemn each other anymore. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not put an obstacle in another Christian's path." Therefore, let us continue to "look unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith." (Romans 14:13 & Hebrews 12:2)